Made for us by Cj of Das Zombie Productions

Zombie Rights in America Today

  Debate has centered on the Issues of the mobility-challenged, chronologically gifted, mentally special, estrogen inclined, and African-, Asian-, and Indigenous Americans. These debates, although most worthwhile, have overshadowed the plight of the single most oppressed group in America today: Zombies, or as some prefer to be called, the living-challenged.

The living-challenged have next to no rights in America. "Zombies come from all ages, genders, and ethnic backgrounds. Over 95% of all Americans who were once alive are living challenged," says Doctor Rick Mathews, Ph.D. Doctor Mary Rumpenstein, D.Ed., adds, "The U.S. Constitution never provides for the rights of the living-challenged. Except in certain progressive communities in the South, no dead person can vote. Nearly all holders of public office are alive." The government callously suspends all social security and Medicare benefits to dead people. Despite the landmark civil rights victories of the 1950s and 1960s, 99% of all dead people still live in segregated neighborhoods. A recent survey found that nearly 85% of landlords would deny housing to a person simply because he or she is living-challenged. A living-supremacist landlord who asked to remain anonymous was quoted as saying, "I don't want none of these corpses stinkin' up my complex. They need to be kept in their place. You give 'em a place to stay in a living neighborhood, next year there'll be one trying to marry your daughter."

Even if we wanted to marry your daughter, the courts wouldn't recognize it. Why is 'until death do we part' in the marriage vows?   Despite recent wrangling in Hawaii, no clear progress has been made: all fifty states still annul marriages in case of the death of one or both of the partners.

The appalling oppression of the Zombies is due in part to the fact that the dead are almost completely unrepresented in American government. It remains a fact that almost every president found dead in office--including such legends as Abraham Lincoln, Franklin Roosevelt, and John F. Kennedy--was immediately put out, without a trial, a vote, or any chance to defend themselves. Ronald Reagan was America's only openly dead president.  

"The cultural influence of Zombies is incredible, but is widely  ignored," says renowned painter Picasso. "Many of the greatest scholars, authors, composers, and artists of history are dead. I myself am dead." "All of the great masters are dead," adds Leonardo Da Vinci, noted artist, inventor, engineer, and scholar. "The simple fact is commonly overlooked because of the man's fear and ignorance of my people." Dead Pride advocate Jerry X (who has chosen to no longer accept his "living name," Jerry Garcia) says "I think that I've always been living-challenged, and my band, The Grateful Dead, reflected the truth that I knew but was afraid to admit. Now that I have 'come out,' it's created a whole new perspective for me. The living man never really paid attention to the message of my music, he just took it, copied it, and ignored the influence of my people. The true innovators of rock and roll are all dead."

A recent survey found that a shocking 87% of the living population in America actively avoids spending time near dead people, and are often extremely uncomfortable in their presence. "I think it's partly due to the unfavorable and unrealistic stereotypes of us presented in the movies," says noted dead psychologist  Freud. "Dead people are often presented as ravaging zombies; and, in fact, the actors hired to play us aren't even dead people."

In fact, although dead actors and directors are amongst the most talented and influential people in Hollywood, the film industry rarely if ever recognizes their contributions. "Legends such as John Wayne, James Dean, Orson Welles, and Stanley Kubrick are left to rot now that they are dead; no work, no Academy Awards, no acknowledgment," says the Reverend Jonathan Edwards.  .

"We don't want any special privileges;" adds the dead author Mark Twain, in a final note, "we just want the same inalienable rights as everyone else: Death, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness."